Monday, 30 December 2013

To Delete Or Not...


I’m here, I’m back...

And I'm hoping you will be happy to hear... that I bring a much greater curiosity, because I feel more than ready to commence on what could be deemed a shiny, brand new path of creation... There are 807 words in this post. And as I write... I purposefully compose with all of you in mind, and as I inscribe, I feel each and every word to the point of deep emotion, because as always I have to consciously write first and foremost with my heart, I feel this is the only way to transcribe to you, a real sense of me...

Sadly I’ve deleted my beloved page on Facebook; majestically I had called it ‘Messages That Touch One's Soul’. For whatever reason, I’ve always had a real sense of being responsible for the giving, saving and signposting of messages... It’s never seemed to matter what the message is, as long as I felt it was for a higher good, and then I would give it even if it was at the expense of me. Fortunately I feel I have always possessed an overwhelming need to save, savour and give, in whatever way I could...  However I suppose the underlying question for me right now is this:

Is the end for my page really here? 

I hope so... because where-ever that page is, along with its words and images, I stand tall, firmly stamping my foot and raise my fist to indicate ... I am, and will always be the one true owner of that page with all its written-icons. It was created by me, who at different times had the inclination along with the mind-set, as well as varied emotions to create thoughts, words, and deeds. I spent many hours working on my lovely page, sooooo... one might think it would be my choice, my right to choose its end, to destroy and rip up those thoughts, to relinquish created ideas and quite rightly to decide they never existed ... I’m able to state that it took quite a while, but sadly I felt I had no choice other than elect to delete my page, why? Because once I found out the bare truth the magic of its location well and truly left me...

My intention is to move to a place where I know words, thoughts and ideas will remain my own. Due to facebook and its current status and policies, I’ve concluded, I no longer want my creations to remain on a networking site where I don’t hold any trust... I’m not saying I won’t be eternally grateful for connections made... I have met some wonderful people who I know I’d never have even sensed had I not belonged to a network which might hold five gold stars for reaching out. I have especially loved discovering connections and the fact that networking sites allow us to hook up, staying in touch if we want... But essentially, I don’t want my creativity to remain in the hands of others who choose to hold on to data as they gather (for whatever reason) information to store. I’ve been advised that apparently this happens whether one deletes or not... It may have been the labyrinth of my own mind which quite innocently shared ideas, tasters, thoughts... but the truth is, once out in the open, once shared with the site, it was  no longer truly mine... Unknowingly I had given permission, signed away my own heartfelt recognition of my own words for another to use in whatever way they wish...  The more I thought, the more I realised, deleting my page was the only sensible thing to do. It was such a hard decision and as you may see, it’s had quite a hard impact on me... Dramatically I liken it to ripping your heart up and standing on it. Some may understand, others won’t but thankfully we all have the mechanics of our own mind, body and soul. The beauty of the human race, which I always try to promote is our beautiful differences...   

After giving it even more thought, I know it’s meant to be because now is the time to move onwards, upwards. Hopefully the extra time away from my deleted, much missed page of messages, will direct me towards more writing, in terms of ensuring the ‘WiSh’ I made at Christmas will come true... I wished for more time to write... nothing dramatic, nothing too demanding, nothing that will cost more financially... just more delicious time to press the fading keys of my old lap-top, as I endeavour to make magic and wistfully touch a soul or two... I have a saying in my world...

Come close, stay near cos without you it would all be pointless.

©2013 Jane Ewen

Monday, 9 December 2013

All I want for Christmas...


It’s been a little while but I’m tickled pink to be back....
Yes guys you guessed it... it’s that wonderful time of the year again. I absolutely love Christmas. This year though the fly in my cream is that unfortunately I’m feeling a little under the weather, but I’m super sure it will all work out, and at some point I’ll be well enough to get on with life...  I hope that time is kind and then in-between all the drama, I sincerely hope wishes are recognised as I get time to do what I love to do best... Write!

Recently I reluctantly decided to shut down a page on Facebook called: https://www.facebook.com/MessagesThatTouchOnesSoul?ref=hl
However I’m smiling right now, because despite writing a little message this morning to explain reasons for closure, I later found myself sharing something with said page, something I felt might help others... Story of my life and why not, it’s always worth helping another, no matter how small or insignificant anyone thinks it might be...  Our actions are important; I truly believe we are what we do. I’ve also often thought that we really are much more than we think we are... we need to remember all things are possible, and if we don’t reach intended goals, the question could be... did we try as hard as we thought we had... Nothing and no one should stop us, because it’s a well known saying that we are all different and I for one thank god for those differences.   If you’re sat reading this, and you’re in turmoil because you don’t know what you want, maybe you could close your eyes and think about a very simple thing... What would you really like to do? Is there something in life you want, but you feel it’s out of reach because you felt you weren’t good enough, clever enough... Or maybe life is galloping at a hundred miles an hour and you’ve turned around, and you’re also wondering where the heck time went. My hope is this... that you’ll calmly hold on and embrace the simplicity of this little ditty, ‘it’s better late than never’ ... and realise the transparency of its statement really does mean...‘It’s always and forever better late than never’ Make yourself a Christmas wish, and then give the one who matters most, extra permission to realise that no matter how long it takes to get it... Phew, there are no worries!  

Anyway my darlings, it’s wonderful to be back... I’m especially hoping to spend more time where I belong; after all, AngelJanes World is where I healed before... Interestingly enough, I have a few ideas to work on but nothing to share for the time being... I tweeted today on how I’d made a promise to another Writer to #Focus more and it feels really strange, but that promise has given me a new lease on life... in terms of where I would like my dreams to take me.  (More to share laters)

So for now dear ones, be good, take care and don’t forget to remember... Never let anyone discourage you from doing what you really want...

Jane Ewen is back...

Friday, 8 November 2013

Forgiveness with Wishes...

Image courtesy of www.idlehearts.com with a beautiful quote from Lewis B Smedes.
 
 
An Excerpt...
Her heart smashed into a thousand pieces. Devastated for the longest time, she feels she will never recover... but the true strength of character and the profound beauty of her spirit overwhelms. She realises too long has passed, her heart has to sing again. She sits and cries, but when she laughs, it’s with every intention of therapeutically healing herself by magically writing away the hurt.... She sees a bigger picture and as she looks ahead, she senses a brand new time
Picking up the pen she commences...
I would have followed you to the ends of the earth my love, and my reward... could have been your smile.
One day we may meet again... until then I’ll always wonder if your memories will include the way we use to dance. Will you easily recall how gently I held your hands? Or how we’d lie on damp, grainy sand, looking up to the sky, listening to the sounds of the sea and laugh at flashes of light as we watched the darkest shadows fall across the moon and stars. We would talk for hours... Where did time go? Why did we lose it, what happened?
I know when you’d look at me, my quickening heartbeat would bang like a drum... my burning desire was to always stay close, but life changes, things happen, circumstances alter, feelings deteriorate... For me there was no mistake, my senses told me my destiny was with you, you were my world... I worshiped the ground you walked on. I loved the world we lived in... Until recently, I wanted; no needed, to return to that life, share those secrets, hopes, and dreams. I wanted to kiss your strength, hug your vulnerability.  
You always made me feel so safe, you said I completed you, you always told me I had lashings of love and that I filled you with immense security... the feeling was mutual, but then you changed, little things at first. The big tell tale sign was that we spent less and less time together... A first I shrugged it off, I would explain it away, but then it would niggle, fester and I would nag, over communicate, and whine for reassurance. It all became too much, and the world ended as you swiftly walked away... or thinking back did you just disappear? Because months later when I got to the point of desperation, and needed to talk, just to get some form of closure, or to discuss where it had all gone wrong... even give you your left over belongings... I was told that you’d left the country; strange thing is you did not leave alone!  
Going through the separateness of separation, realising in the end I was not loved. I fell into a world of silence... The ways of humanity were completely beyond me. Dark nights always easier to hide within, to forget, but then that big bright sun always arrived in the mornings, and reality became as bright as its sun-light. I suppose enough time has passed and the knowledge and resignation of what you did, has filled me with a whole new other person, a person I didn’t know. Strangely enough she is as beautiful as the original, and is someone who needs to know what, how, when and where it all went wrong... for some strange reason that seems to be so vitally important... despite the not knowing, there now reigns a determination in me, it’s been a long hard struggle, but I truly believe, despite still loving you I am ready to let go...  They do say when you love someone with all of your heart, that no matter what, you want them to be happy, but sadly I believe that is only partly true... if you’d said to me, I was not for you, and you’d left the relationship on your own, I’m quite sure it would have been a little easier for me to bear... All I know is that I am a good person, and I deserved so much better. The thing is, at long last I have worked it out, I am not responsible for your short comings, you did wrong, and it was not my fault... My family and friends tell me you’re a monster, a liar, a cheat, a no good person who will do the same to the woman you left me for, they say once a cheat always a cheat... but oh if you knew how I had stuck up for you, I could still cry now but I wont... I won’t do myself that injustice...  I guess if the truth be known, if I did have a wish, I would wish for you to find happiness, because at the end of the day it’s you who has broken a heart, left a person worse off than you found them, and that is not what life is all about.
Thankfully my heart continues to be good. I am big enough to wish you untold happiness and I do this just so you don’t go through life leaving a terrible mess behind you.
I guess now that I’m at the end of this profoundly bitter-sweet letter to myself... it’s not hard to see that I am getting there... life is actually beautiful, it’s just a shame we couldn’t have made it together, but again you know what they say... if it hasn’t worked out, it wasn’t meant to be.  The best part of getting over a breakup is to know and take from the relationship just what you don’t want in your next loving experience. This mistake has not made me feel like holding on to my heart, because that wouldn’t be fair ... When the time is right and I am full of love, my heart will be given to the right person. I will wish you well dear one, and as I walk the other way, I am convinced the universe holds something better for me.   
 
Replacing her pen she leans back and smiles...
 
 © Jane Ewen 2013  



Sunday, 21 July 2013

Choice... Chance... & Change...


Thoughts may be random; they can also be spontaneous, even erratic.
Today friends, I sit here with so much in mind, but after reading and re-editing today’s piece, I feel quite surprised that I decided to share further moments of a time that were uncomfortable, and yet I do understand why ... I think I’m correct in saying that the end of this piece is inspirational in terms of where to go with your choices, because to facilitate change there has to be choice...
 
A favourite quote: “Change is the essence of Life. Be willing to surrender what you are, for what you could become”
~Reinhold Niebuhr~
 
I know in a moment everything can change. Everything I do is with you in mind... I never want to lose my precious light, my life, its rock and our reason to live... I feel so close. There’s no stopping us, we are one, we know secrets, and thank the lord above we have their cure.....  I love when your love falls around me, and when all else seems lost, and grey, it shows me the way. Sometimes I just want to put those earphones on, turn up the volume and close my eyes as I swirl, whirl and twirl through life to avoid everything else that’s going on... I see our world through the eyes of my heart, I love that I see this, because somewhere in the dark back of beyond, I know I could have closed my heart down and made it impossible to feel... feel... feel... Who needs that my friend?
It's not about what you’ve done, it’s not about what’s happened to you... it’s all about the little muscle in your chest... it’s about that spirit, that body, your soul.... You know who you are, you know what you want, you know how to get it and you further know that as long as no one gets hurt, the answer is nestled inside your colourful world. My world is not black and white... it has a shine, it throws out colours, and it allows those that know its secret, to flourish in abundance so that when they learn its secret, they can share, permeate, touch and pass through... It didn’t take me very long to learn life’s secret, it did take longer though, to realise how to communicate, to let somebody in on it... but it’s quite simple really... be YOU, be real, feel things, share stuff, progress on your journey, don’t hide behind a shadow, try not to mis-communicate to others, it just confuses issues and causes friction. Be open, honest and truthful, learn to love yourself because it’s true what others say, you can’t love another until you understand what love is all about...  
I put my faith into something ... I was constantly receiving the wrong information, I felt dazed, even confused, it wasn’t easy, I didn’t know what to do... but then my world blew up. I saw a nuclear mushroom, I witnessed the end of my world as I knew it and for 365 days, 52weeks, I was a vegetable... I needed help, but so like the days of my neglectful childhood, I didn’t know where to go. I stayed still, I hibernated, I hoped no one would come to see me; I didn’t want anyone, not even family... What was the point, why bother? The world was going to end anyway and I felt more than ready... Then I was prodded or should I say poked, or maybe I should really say, I eventually twigged, realising the end of MY world didn’t mean it was the end of everybody else’s world... Realistically I realised, life goes on and no matter what, I needed to get back on track, or else I really would disappear.  What help would that be to my beautiful family?
When again the light started to shine, I witnessed great vision, and extraordinarily I discovered unfamiliar knowledge. I was able to sense and secure ‘the honest to god truth’... it wasn’t over, although there was definitely light at the end of the tunnel, all I wanted to do was scream out... That’s my light, I want it, I need to flick the switch, make it shine bright... My girls need me, my beautiful husband would be very sad if I was no longer around... the dark started to shimmer silver, and it’s light burned brighter...I had a clear sense I was getting better, I hoped and prayed that a miracle would happen... I didn’t need drugs... I didn’t need to give false promises, I just wanted to gather family in my arms, and tell them as gently as possible.... “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh everything’s going to be alright”... So I shook my senses and told my loved ones as well as some friends, I’m alright but now I need unconditional Love... with that very important element, I knew I’d accomplish anything...
Since my return back to the beautifulness of our human race, I’ve managed to magically get life back on track. I’ve shown those around me that life is definitely worth living, and if and when you do hit rock bottom, its terribly important for you to bounce right back... For me anyway, it felt simple, so easy to realise that the little bulb that shines periodically in one’s brain, told me I’d landed, my heart, body and soul had been on a journey, but lessons were learned and it was ultra important to remember those lessons, like, where there is life there‘s hope, and where there is hope there’s Love.... My eyes, heart, body, and soul have been left wide open... I am fearful of nothing; I don’t ask for anything from anybody. And within my dreams there’s aspiration to make a difference... I don’t have an agenda, my list of needs have been ticked... I consider myself to be the lucky one, my life is the happiest it has ever been, and as I’ve said before...  this statement doesn’t mean it’s perfect, But... it’s as perfect as we can make it...
 
If you’re still here, and you’re feeling down, please try to remember... Life’s experiences manage to come in all sorts of shapes and form, however this builds character and no matter what, there is always an end. Things are sent to try us, and what must also be remembered is that you have a choice.

Life is beautiful, for me life worked to show that the opposite is so absolute and final... no one needs that, well not of course until the right time comes... Close your eyes and visualise your future!
Remember it’s going to be ok and if it’s not ok then it’s most definitely NOT over... 
I wish nothing but the very best for you...
Good Luck!
~JaneEwen~
      AKA
~AngelJane~  

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Curiosity, Life & Dreams...


Whether you wish to silently watch, vocally interact or seek out unanswered questions, the act of seeking to quench ones inquisitive thinking is usually linked to a thirst for knowledge of what might, could, would or should have been... Or even a deep desire to learn or know about things that don’t really concern us anymore... I guess there is always the chance that Curiosity may also bring unforeseen, unwanted information.  But isn’t that what Curiosity is all about? ... So if you look, peek and wonder... be ready for the unknown, and remember you might not always like what you see, hear or find out...  From my own sensitivity I know without doubt, that the people who have been in my life were meant to be, and I’ve always understood how sad it can be to think that some of them are unable to stay, but again that’s how it’s meant to be... When a gorgeous soul steps into our lives, they are there for a reason, a moment or a season... some choose to stay, some need to go, but hey that’s ok...  

I think many of us might be guilty of occasionally feeling the itch of curiosity. Then there’s the old proverb ‘Curiosity killed the Cat’ which warns of the dangers of needless investigating, inspecting or experimenting ... My guess is that a good old dose of this electric emotion can be positively healthy, and might even enable us to place answers to unanswered questions, that may occasionally rise to the surface... This inquisitive form of thinking allows individuals to investigate and learn what might have been, or more importantly, why it wasn’t. I think in the past most of my own intermittent curiosities are super connected to what might have been, and if choices or the way my life’s path progressed, voluntary or involuntary were for the best.

I am glad to say that to date and with everything I currently know, my choices have been correct and if in the past I didn’t have a choice at the way something materialised, thankfully it was still for the best. I believe I am where I should be... My life, the people in it and the people I have yet to meet are just where I want them. I also believe I am definitely the luckiest of ladies, because the majority of my life’s experiences have been beneficial in teaching me all I know about life and love... I am open to new ideas and I believe I am realistic in my dreams... despite several of life’s knock-backs; I have much to look forward to. In my most reflective moments of the day, I quite often wish those around me, as well as absent friends the very, very best of everything.  I was only thinking the other day, the best part about getting older is the warmth that penetrates your spirit when you smile because a friend is happy, or you hear good news.

I especially love writing... I don’t profess I’ll ever be a literary legend; I don’t even proclaim to write correctly. I would make a guess that other accomplished writers will see plenty of mistakes, but I do passionately declare that at all times I am professional, I am especially careful with what I say and share. I also try to think of others, and I consistently emanate respect... I don’t believe I have even touched the tip of the iceberg with my thoughts and ideas, although right now I’d say, it’s unfortunate that I am too busy to be able to concentrate on my absolute dream.  However I believe that very soon I’ll be in more of a position to focus fully on where I hope my voice will take me... 

We are fortunate, and I am always in awe of the sights, sounds and human connections that are often made. I love to see beautiful pictures from other countries and I repeatedly recognise how lucky I am to be able to see those things... I never forget what the internet; the news has opened up for us all... absolutely amazingly inspirational.

So friend, if you’re still here reading this article with me... then please let me thank you as well as remind you to never lose your sense of Curiosity, it could possibly be the one thing that brings answers and love into your life. 

Angel Jane  

“Life is wonderful when you're the one to write it.”
― Coco J. Ginger

Sunday, 30 June 2013

Where Dreams May Roam...


I long earnestly to hug the small child who lives within... From an early age I have always had a sense of her complete and utter sadness... In the beginning, I didn’t realise that this little girl would stay with me forever, and it wasn’t until I grew to be of a certain age that I witnessed her smile for the very first time... With her cheeky cherubic smile my world lit-up like a Christmas tree, and from that memorable day onwards, I knew everything was going to be alright... I'd like to dedicate this post to all who have known that their inner child is with them, and has always been a very special part of  their lives...  
I have often wondered... where did she come from? How did she get here and how long was she going to stay... I sense so much about my little dweller, and strangely enough the times she made herself visible to me, was when I was at my saddest.

I recall the very first time I met her; I was recovering from watching something so disturbing that I’d decided to hide behind furniture. I sat shivering and shaking, holding my hands before my eyes, not able to make any meaning out of what I’d just seen... when suddenly I felt her presence. Jumping nervously, I expected to see my big, bad, mean mother... she would always bend on all fours, just like a wild animal, and try to get me out from behind our big, old musty sofa. But no, this time mother wasn’t there.  Instead the blue eyed child, with big, sad teary eyes stared at me in silence.   
“What?” I whispered from behind ice, cold hands.

The little girl did not answer, she just continued to stare.
Then all of a sudden the door banged really loudly, and the big, bad mother screamed,

“I will get you Lady Jane, and believe you me; you’ll regret the day that you were born”

My skin started to tingle, my heart raced even harder, because unfortunately I knew what was going to happen next... she was going to find me, grab hold of whatever she could hang on to, shake me till my teeth rattled in my head, and then she would violently drag me screaming towards the cellar door...  
This time though she didn’t bend down on all fours, instead with super human strength, she yanked the big old sofa away from me... her red, sweaty face contorted now with rage, looked at me with a hatred I never could quite understand, and as her long dark brown hair flew through the air, she viciously grabbed me... In slow motion I witnessed my own hand reach out towards my little friend and as she grabbed it, I felt that her little hand was also freezing cold... but holding onto her, I felt the most incredible relief because I didn’t feel so alone.

Whilst the big, bad mother shook, pushed, screeched and swore my little friend never once let go. Not even when the cellar door crashed open, and we were pushed down rickety, wooden steps, to land in a crying heap on to cold grey paving slabs. The greyish light from a tiny broken window, shed just enough brightness for me to see my small friend scuttle closer to me, and then we both heard the slam of the door.  
This was the start of a forever friendship... My friend never gave a smile, she never spoke a word, but I knew without a shadowing doubt, that the connection to her and I was something that would unquestionably last forever.

In those formative years the cruelty continued and our connection remained.
When I was tiny I didn’t realise how special the connection was, not until that is, I got a little older and I started to question her existence.

The sad, blue eyed child always appeared when I was stressed, tired or frightened. I never questioned her appearance, I was always so glad to see her.  The cruelty, the hatred and our chaotic world of loneliness, was easier to bear with her around. However as time passed, I did realise that despite myself getting older, she never changed... it was as if she was stuck in a kind of time-warp of emotional damage, where she’d decided not to develop but more to simply exist.
I did know one thing though, and that was I grew to love her like no other. The things we lived through were witnessed between us, and the eye contact we often held said more than words ever could.

I guess the day I saw her smile was a tremendous breakthrough for me, because that was the day I knew beyond everything, that it was all going to be ok. All I was left with was the immeasurable thought that I needed to hold her, to bestow upon her as much love as I could, because this little girl had held it all in, contained and packaged all the untold hurt, just so that I got to share the burden. This ultimately made sure I survived the horror filled, neglectful, damaged, hurtful upbringing any child should ever have to endure... And even though my little friend is still around, I have yet to give her a hug, then again, an absolute fear is that she’ll go away, and to be honest, I never want her to leave because she is such a big part of me as I am of her.  
The very important thing about living with inner children, is that when you heal, they heal...

© 2013 Jane Ewen
Picture shared from Google: Artist Unknown...

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Dreams, Wishes & Feelings...


Right now my friend all I know is that I’ve been fortunate enough to grow in an ever-changing world, and no matter what, I will never... not ever, let go of my dreams...

DREAMS... I have a few, all involve my beautiful family.

WISHES... are for my voice to be eventually heard, as well as all the emotion contained within each word and setting. And if it doesn’t sound conceited, I am hopeful it will allow others to experience it to the full.   

FEELINGS... that they persist in being continuous and they are never far away from a single thought.

I am always surprised where the journey takes me...

Stepping out of one’s comfort zone in terms of what one writes is mind blowing to say the least... Very often I find myself talking about facts, the past, present and future. I discuss how I feel, what I perceive others may believe.  It always feels extremely important for me to share a lot of deep, often confusing experiences that usually becomes clearer as I go on to discuss further within my own world of words... I always disclose my writing to be therapeutic, and holding hand on heart, I continue to confirm that for me, this is so... I always find myself to be comfortingly realistic, with incessant remarks about my lack of education; I very often wonder where I might have been today, had my parents been different or if my upbringing had been a little closer to normal... Other times I feel a little melancholy, especially when I think I might have been a bit more receptive to possible opportunities... Who knows, had my life taken a different path I might even have been an accomplished author... Writing words and thoughts full to bursting, impregnated with my own unique expressions, and novels to delight all the people I want to spiritually and blissfully touch.  

Every day I feel the need to progress with my writing, I very often write and don’t share... I have two novels on the go and with any possible luxury of spare time; these will get worked on...  Just as much as words are terribly important, so are people... family, friends & strangers.  I feel I have an affinity with all of human kind... I will profess to liking animals, but not as much as humans. I am able to stand next to a complete stranger, and feel an amazing amount of information, and on occasion if they turn to me, we can become engulfed in conversation and it naturally feels like we have know each other for years.   I quite often find myself feeling another’s pain, happiness, disappointment and I have to make sure that I tell myself in no uncertain terms, that those experiences are happening to another and not to me... I have discovered that feeling someone else’s emotions at such an incredible intensity, may mean I have the qualities of an Empath, and I guess this is why it’s taken me, heaven knows how many years to be able to distance myself to such an extent, so that when I receive another’s energy, it doesn’t make me unwell.
I don’t proclaim to know it all, I believe I’ve learned a lot but I also believe I have a heck of a lot to learn... This is why I consider myself to be blessed, and it’s also why I live in hope that the PLOT will thicken...

~AngelJane~ 

 

Monday, 27 May 2013

YOU... were made for me...



 
A Re-edited repost of a favourite blog from 2010...
 
It's strange even spooky how moments, events, including individuals and times can go on to rekindle memories, reinforcing how truly lucky we are, especially when faced with some memory's that might not have been all that great...But I have gone on to find with every moment of darkness, there is always lashings of LIGHT...
One of my most favourite quotes...  
 
“In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours.
In all the world, there is no love for you like mine.”
Maya Angelou

This is a story previously told of private thoughts and feelings around a truly wonderful night that changed my life for the better... When I originally shared the story, which involved finding and finally understanding love and all it meant, I quite rightly dedicated it to my wonderful man, Douglas... Who in my opinion, just happens to be the most wonderful man on the planet. For those of you who don’t know Doug let me say this, if he ever read this post (he'd cringe) but only because he’s a calm, modest person, who wouldn’t speak or even think of himself in the way I have portrayed him... But hey you guys, I'm doing this and it's my story!

The first time I set eyes on this lovely man, my heart skipped a beat then it banged so loudly I felt sure everyone in the room must have heard.
At the time of setting my sights on this gorgeous guy, I just so happened to be in a time and space, where I was unhappily watching life along with its participants go by... Dreamily poised on the 2ndfloor which was slightly raised from the main dance floor, I felt weirdly detached as I watched this handsome guy walk towards me. For whatever reason I instantly felt a connection... Don’t ask me how, but I inexplicable knew we were going to be soul mates.

When I realised he was walking toward me I recall my breathing became erratic, and I have to admit to feeling strangely peculiar. As he got closer I saw within him a gentle determination. Then like a bolt of lightning, I realised his absolute purpose... for the first time in a long time I smiled inwardly... This tall, dark handsome stranger had seen me from across the room and wanted to meet me. As he strode forward, I observed him gently excusing him-self to pass through the busy bumping, grinding crowds, all the while never taking his eyes off of me... unbeknown to him, I was quietly drinking in his appearance, and when he reached me with his impish grin, he politely asked if he could buy me a drink. Totally captivated by him, with his tall athletic figure I immediately noted strong broad shoulders, and gorgeous black hair which gleamed and sparkled from being gelled and patiently styled... he looked amazing, just like he’d stepped away from a top celebrity stylist and was ready for his photo shoot

When he started speaking to me with a Scottish lilting tone I thought instantly of Sean Connery, which made me smile more.

l felt a tap on my shoulder as a friend shrieked, come on it’s time to go... In that instant, I really wanted to stay but I knew that wouldn’t be right. I quickly retrieved my mobile number. As we briefly half hugged, I wondered whether this gorgeous human being would ring me, or would he just melt into oblivion, never to be heard from again... Laughing, I found myself being pulled backwards by friends, through dancing crowds; it felt completely surreal as I watched dancing bodies sway to the beat of dance music. My own heart banged like a drum as it too danced. At the same time I tried hard not to take my eyes off of the tall dark Scottish guy who watched my every move. My last vision as I was pulled through double doors... a handsome man and his perfect smile.

For the rest of the evening my mind sensed that hopeful questionable feeling of ... could this possibly be it?... This might just be what I’ve been waiting for. It also shrieks louder, confirming someone found you attractive, someone was interested. He didn’t have his beer goggles on...because you know when he bought you that beer, he ordered himself a coke. Instinct sensed a mysterious darkness, but clearly I saw an elusive light. Oh wow, I'd waited to see that light for so long. A thought nudged in closer making me wonder, once again... was I going to be let down?... Like so many souls, all I wanted in this wonderful life, was a nice guy who’d know instinctively how to treat a woman, and that he’d be open and honest with his feelings... no mind games, just simple to goodness honesty, with a clear defined knowledge of what and whom he wanted out of life. But, I very quickly, and quite rightly reprimanded myself. Lady Jane, this is wayyyy too early for these deep, profound thoughts, especially at this inappropriate level...

Hey but come on, you know what us ladies are like... we just can’t help ourselves. On most things in life I always look at the bigger picture. I’m still not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, but I feel I can say, it’s always kept me safe...

On my way home I heard my phone beep...

My tummy turned then nose dived towards my legs. I saw an unfamiliar number... followed by, "I hope you’re having a good evening. I will ring tomorrow, if that’s ok with you?"

I wanted to shout, squeal, scream and yell. I kept it under wraps, tentatively reminding myself that life sometimes had a funny way of hastily turning in the wrong direction, but I also knew this could be the start of something really good. Getting to know someone was a great way to start. I didn’t answer his text immediately ... I wanted to appear all super cool and sophisticated... *smile*

Soooooo... I left it all of 10 minutes!

My response was to report, I had indeed enjoyed a great evening, and that I looked forward to his call!

Well friends, I’m happy to report that was the start of something magical, which thankfully continues... I'm lucky to be with a generous guy who is warm, genuine, trustworthy, loyal and tactile... Importantly he loves unconditionally... He inspires and encourages me, and I can’t imagine life without him. The cherry on the top of our cake was his proposal one New Year's Eve, followed by us marrying, making life wonderfully complete.

Although I’ll never forget the old days when life was at times a struggle, it also confirms for me that times do change, it also says nothing stays the same forever, and if someone was in your life, and  for what ever reason they left, there was a reason for that... The thing with failed relationships, is that they fail for a reason.

Thankfully there is a happy ending to my story, and that's wonderful but I guess it can take someone who has been through a lot to really know what they want in life... All I can share is that for me going through difficult, challenging, life changing moments, essentially showed me what I wanted in life, who I wanted to be with, and where I wanted to go...

 
~JaneIsEspeciallyGratefulForAllSheHasAndAlwaysWillBe.Ewen~
 

Saturday, 25 May 2013

The Glorious Sea...


One fine day when I live by the deep blue sea, I’ll happily share the delights I know I will encounter. The dream has been a long one; time has shown me that there is certainly a deep timeless yearning that may possibly go on forever... I happily suffer hallucinations and with warm enthusiasm, I welcome all future, blissful possibilities they represent.   

I will fully endeavour to describe the way the sea kisses its shore; I will help you the reader to visualise sea creatures as they tentatively step out of from beneath the ocean’s froth, on to fine sugary sand. As I breathe in deep, I will open with honesty; blue eyes wide, so that you distinctly hear the most amazing sounds, breathe in the most beautiful smells and see with crystal like clarity, indescribable sights...
There is a world where one can go, a world that needs to be enjoyably viewed by invitation... If I have the sight to describe my world to you, then hopefully you’ll have your own uncapped power to soak up all its magnificence... I don’t mind saying, my world can be full of mystery, my dreams beyond compare... Stark thoughts are ever abundant.

All of these ever increasing qualities grow consistently week by week, year by year... giving so much to my globe, my imagination. I may build a universe, describe a war or even share my deepest thoughts ... and quite often I find that my head spins uncontrollably non stop ... the hardest part I occasionally find, is not the sharing of my passion... but retaining it.
I want to delight, appeal, fascinate, tempt, enchant and charm... I have just got to touch your deepest nerve, penetrate your softest core so that you understand every single day there is someone you can touch, help and support with a simple smile... I know this like I know, night follows day...

The story is not yet over; it begins with all of us every single day! 


~JaneEwen~

 

Sunday, 19 May 2013

I am Me... Do you know who you are?


I don’t think I will ever be able to articulate eloquently enough, what being ME actually means... Just being able to communicate from my heart & soul is enough to enable me to carry on communicating to family, friends and strangers. You may not believe this, but once upon a long time ago I would not have dared to say BOO to a goose... I’ve come a long way, I have found out who I am, I have grown to love the me I have become, and that in itself is honestly amazing.

What have I learned this past week...?
That sometimes I can be a little thoughtless, and I need to remember not everyone is like me; they don’t want their business shouted from the roof-tops... I have witnessed that having things to look forward to, makes life that bit more exciting... And from this week’s experiences, it’s been reinforced that family and friends are super-duper important... I have further realised that no matter what one does for another, it won’t make them happy unless they engage 100% ... I think I’ve recently understood that I cannot fix everyone, but I have a feeling that will be an ongoing journey of progression, since I truly sense because of who I am I will never give up trying... I have also further discovered that I seriously have the best husband in the whole wide world; he is such a beautiful soul, so caring, so kind and so considerate... I am a lucky lady to have met and married such a wonderful man, he brings out the best in me and that further adds to the extraordinary wonder of our marriage...

I also know that no matter what we learn, what we run with and who we love and support, the journey will be as long as our learning is on this planet... every brand new day is beautiful, the skills we use to progress will always have an impact on those around us, that’s why it’s ultra important to use Kindness as your key... with kindness, peace always appears and peace is the very best start for learning and wisdom....  If you sit back, reflect and share all that you discover, individuals will become so much wiser and able to pass along shared knowledge ... choices have impact, make sure your choices are for the best... that will then be the justice you bestow on countless others.

Now to look forward to next week and see what develops as I further investigate on this wonderful journey that's set before me...

Don’t you forget... stay close and visit often, your company is most welcome...

AngelJane

Sunday, 12 May 2013

Past, Present and Future...


PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE...
I have been away from my much-loved Blog for a while; I have so much to share, and so much to tell... I do like to talk about my past, present and future... those of you who know me understand how I’m happily able to unconditionally share the clean-up process of my child-hood. I’ve been able to do this because quite rightly I grew to understand, the adults involved made a right old mess of it. I have been blessed to at last be able to let go of the past and forgive, but even at this point in time the one thing I've found difficult to do, is FORGET... joyfully though, I have managed to stop it from making me sad, and that blissfully happened when I finally forgave.  For me overcoming insecurities unlocked enormous courage, which I realise silently resides deep within each and everyone of us... I am fortunate because I've managed to developed a true healing heart however, despite this abundant knowledge, I occasionally get the odd crack but thank goodness I have my writing, my words, my family and friends as well as myself... All I understand, is that you cannot live In fear and experience love.

I love to engage, I love to share, I love to show and I love to tell. This is something that’s grown with age, but for me showing vulnerability, being transparent with a genuine soul, and able to demonstrate love is the positive way forward, and if I am these things and more then I will not falter on my journey. I love to see light in people’s eyes, it shows that possibly they are open, they are listening, and I further understand it’s not over for that person, and there's evidence that they will be fine if they are receptive to help, advice and support... for me as long as a light shines there is a promise, a chance.
I have found I am able to stand strong, and I always do what I have to do, but sometimes, depending on the amount of deception present in another, and because I am not made from stone, I very often feel sad, even a little disappointed in their ability to communicate, however this doesn’t deter me, it spurs me on to be able to show them, that not everybody should be painted with the same brush... It also saddens me that a whole lot of people seem hell-bent on labelling another’s good intentions, and will create barriers, this is perfectly acceptable if they have been through a lot, but then there comes a point when another can only do so much to prove oneself or their actions ... I believe those individuals are the hardest to come to terms with, because it just reinforces what I’ve been told a million times...

You cannot fix everyone!
But why not!

If a hurt/damaged person sits, we have a conversation, you respectfully listen, you share your heart and soul, you go on to give strategies and with their input you show a plan for the future, and then you realise still, damn, this isn’t enough, then the alternative for me is the head banging fact, one has to reluctantly walk away, and that my friend is a very hard thing to do.  I guess I’ve personally overcome much, I know it’s not been easy, but I also know ‘WE’ cannot blame our past for everything; it really infuriates me that some people will do that and then carry on to blame their upbringing for some of the most heinous crimes that they’ve done. There is a time when we must take and accept responsibility for our own choices and existence, and move on with decorum.

May courage, confidence and strength always be yours...
Don’t forget till next time, Stay Close!  

AngelJane

Thoughts from near and far...


I have many thoughts; they all safely ramble, and are contained securely within my head-space. Occasionally they are connected to my heart beat and this makes them super-thoughts...

It’s been a little while since my last visit to a much loved blog, but for me it always bears repeating that my absence sometimes causes me concern... I guess quite a few of you will know that this beautiful world I’ve managed to create has been my very own, wonderful healing space, my off-loading arena, my stadium, my sanctuary.

Officially the journey began in 2009... An atrocious year, where I thought for a shattering moment, I was going to stop breathing. In 2009 I was given the most devastating news about my beautiful girl.... I’m glad to say we have come a long way since then, but my girl has sadly endured much. The last bout of radiotherapy seems to have halted the beast within its injurious tracks... the size of it has changed, the radiation is causing it to shrink, the pain level has more than abated, and the outlook for our future has much improved.   

When I think about what she has endured I want to cry so much but I’m truly proud of her, so much so, that I have tentatively submitted a piece to the’ Scottish Book Trust’ for it to hopefully be accepted, to possibly be included in a beautiful new book called ‘Treasures’ I will include the link for those who have time to check it out...


My life has been a whirlwind of challenges and changes. I am happy to say we are seeing a beautiful light through what was threatening darkness.  The outlook has improved with my positivity level soaring, so having wonderful family and friends around, has been an absolute bonus as well as my recent change in jobs. To feel happy and content is one thing; to actually feel completely worthwhile is another... During this journey I have fantastically found, I am coming into contact with a number of individuals who are blowing me away... As much as I love my writing, my words, and my stories, I have to admit I have never shared a passion for POETRY... in spite of this; I have come across the most remarkable young man, whose beautiful poetry now makes my day... I joked with him and delightfully shared that when I recite his magic, I sing... Here’s his link, if you decide to check him out, please share with him that Jane sent you... You won’t be disappointed!


My thoughts always begin and end with the most important people in my life, my wonderful husband, my beautiful daughter, my amazing son-in-law to be and my very special granddaughter... Wow I am so exceptionally lucky, no wonder my thoughts stop and start with them...

Hope you manage to stay awhile as I have another looming post ready to publish. Draw that chair closer, it be good to keep you here longer!

Saturday, 6 April 2013

My Father...


The big question for me this week was something I’ve been concentrating on for a little while... Although I have to profess, I don’t quite have all the answers but you know how I love to share, waffle and divulge.  Come on pull up a chair and stay a few moments, I would love to talk to you...
I use to think I was a dreamer and I suppose to some extent a lot of us might have that delightful trait securely fixed within our own wonderful personalities ... but recently oh how I've wistfully looked back on vague and distant memories of my father. It's made me wonder if a part of me is like he was. The thing I know more than anything about my dad, is that when I was little, I missed him so much... he was never around, but I will never forget the bond I had with him... When I did get to see him I recall I’d quietly watch him, and wonder what made him tick. (Due to the way I was brought up) When I did get to see him, I would usually feel a deep sense of sadness because here was my very own dad, but I didn’t really know him...  When I was small, I would sit quietly to observe him. To this day I still remember the way he'd sit in his chair, the way his blue eyes would flicker from side to side, and I’d know instinctively he was thinking... to me he was always the thinker, a mystical force that I'd fantasise about. I wanted to be near him, and have him tell me he was proud of me, that he loved me, but mostly, I wanted him to be the dad I remembered. I'd reminisce vividly how I use to believe I was able hear him think... Sad wonder is, I never actually heard/saw or understood his thoughts or the man he was.  To this day, I still wish it would be possible to sit with him, and ask all the many unanswered questions...  
 
Parents are so terribly important in our lives, their input is massive in terms of our development, but where the hell does one go when faced with the loneliness of being brought up and living in the company of strangers... Let me tell you this... Yes I believe their absence impacted on me, and my siblings, but in the long run I’ve personally come to no harm from not having a family, despite wanting one that I would have loved deeply... Instead I had a different upbringing. In many ways I was lonely, but my past I'd describe as character forming, with a whole load of empty longing.
 
Despite everything, life still managed to magically instil in me many things that have become super important... The amazing thing is that I know who I am, where I came from, where I’ve been and where there is yet for me to go... I believe the past is what makes us, and I agree with all the current quotes... The past does not define, but it sure as hell has a major input into personality... I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again for the benefit of any readers who have been through the same or even similar experiences...  what happened in my childhood was NOT my fault, the people to blame are the adults who were around...The sad thing is how much they lost out, but thank god I made sure I broke the circle. My child was not beaten, neglected and neither was she abused...  why the hell would anyone do that to another? So if you’re reading this and blaming your upbringing for something you've done or are presently doing ... FORGET IT... You’re in control, you’re the adult and it’s up to you to do the right thing... All I understand is that children, life, including every single, living being are important and super precious. We don’t get this time back, so we have to do the right thing... make the right choices... No excuses... NONE!!
No matter what you’ve been through, you have to try your very best in life, don’t paint everyone with the same brush, because this will only hold you back, and might even paralyse. So come on embrace life... believe me, you’ll find what you put in, you’ll get back.  Be yourself, be real, don’t have a hidden agenda, just bring your lovely personality to life, and share unconditionally...
Life is too short to do anything else!


I really do believe in being mindful of people’s feelings and despite writing about my past, present and future... I sincerely hope others recognise I take my written words seriously... I do not wish to lay blame, hurt or accuse anyone... I simply want to write truth as I understand and perceive it. I dont know how it happened, but I've magically grown from a very dysfunctional family background. I think I can safely say because of the vast and varied different input, I have been so lucky and managed to find the real me...  And that is always worth celebrating...

Breathe... Focus... Relax...
Stay close.