I dedicate this post to those of you I’ve not been in touch with... I know that sometimes silence is a necessity; it allows a person time to heal and gather their strength which is necessary for recovery... Thank you for being there and despite my silence I’ve been grateful for your kind words and thoughts...
"Strength does not come from winning. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength." Mahatma Gandhi
In life when things change too much or too quickly, there can be the possibility of it becoming overly complicated, even stressful. I recently read an article that stated if you think back a year or two and think about how much extra responsibility you’ve got? You may well find you have too much stuff going on or even too many possessions including, projects and commitments. I did this and listed down all the changes in my life over the last few years and realised surprisingly, for someone who doesn’t like change a lot happened… As some of you may know, not all of it for the good… Also I feel it’s worth mentioning, as much as I share I also possess a silent side and quite rightly there’s the private stuff I keep for me and my lovely man.
If I had to describe it, I’d say for me it’s been like watching a mountain being built and trying to figure out how you can deal with each individual issue, as the mountain grows, its foundations crumble… The fragility of it all penetrates your soul; sadly you’re left feeling the fall-out with a vulnerability that’s concerning enough to make you want to crawl away until it all stops dead.
I’ve found my dislike of change reduces my focus, increases stress levels and usually lowers my performance. I’ve been known to take on too much… Oh you know what it’s like, we have good intentions, but, if that stress button lights up, then it becomes difficult and unmanageable…
Over the past few months I’ve discovered, I don’t let go of things easily… I realise this is not a good thing! The last 3-4 weeks with extra support I’ve learnt to cut down on stuff like projects, plans and possessions. I know this has been the busiest year of my life and although I knew there would be lots of changes, I felt confident I would cope and I was doing ok until my beautiful girl’s condition became worse, then everything seemed to go out the window and all the questions which surged from my core, overwhelmed me completely, leaving me reeling. I also know what didn’t help was my lack of positivity. The change in me became significant enough to overshadow everything I once believed in. The last two weeks I’m pleased to say, have been positive in that I’ve managed to make a start on changing my thinking… I’ll quickly add it’s an ongoing project and I have to be honest with you, it’s damn hard… This change is necessary; it will benefit not just me, but my family and friends as I’ve become well aware that they really worry over me. The differences they’ve witnessed over the last two years have caused further anxiety… Now that my thinking’s become less cloudy, I know I’ve missed so much stuff. Not only have I missed within my personal life I’ve also missed out on work colleagues… I have every intention of catching up and soon!
We all know life’s unpredictable, if I had any advice, it would be... YOU have to come first, so look after your-self… if you let yourself drop into the darkness then it’s very hard to lift yourself out, especially my friend if your questions remain unanswered. I’ve gathered from this experience, nothing lasts forever but, the positivity here is that family and friends who have remained in contact despite not receiving anything back, has shown me by reinforcing that there are some beautiful people on this planet and for that blessing, I will always be truly thankful.