Saturday, 28 November 2009

Live..Love..Laugh..Listen & Learn..

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I have loved the past week with its merry go round of activities and the fresh burning ideas I hold securely in my possession whilst going about my daily life...

My blessings this week so incredibly different from the week before, with me feeling like I was at deaths door... awaiting my turn for a possible visit from the great man himself. Very dramatic I hear you mumble... No not at all, just rather darkly lucid!

Those differences in the past two weeks have allowed me to feel the complete joy of being able to work, love, live, laugh, learn and listen.... All the (L) words have been very significant in my life this week... and each word I felt deeply and understood more so then at any other time. I think it takes a good bout of feeling poorly, bed ridden and incapacitated with a touch of feeling sorry for one-self... to realise, when you’re well, that feeling is absolutely beyond description as the latter was so utterly awful. Sorry to drone on.... but I wanted you to feel my words in pictures....

This week found me loving time in work... I watched magically from a distance, whilst I observed myself dealing with the back-log. I also found being able to multi-task to a degree where I was doing the job, planning the next piece of work in advance and arranging different styles of strategies to be used in the future. I presumed much later that my brain had very much rested from my previous stint in bed. It made me feel much more alive. I felt the glitter and sparkle from the whole of my being miraculously return. Strangely enough....this helped me laugh more. I have found recently... you laugh and the world laughs with you. Bit of a cliché but Oh sooooo true.

I learned earlier this week I’m more then capable of calling a spade a spade. I recently discovered an important inner part of me that totally understands beyond all reasonable doubt that sadly some people dwelling on this planet, although they have the potential to be loving & caring with close and immediate family members, they don’t have the capacity to be realistic or understand that some people outside the circle can not and will not go on forever putting up with garbage from days gone by.... There would have been a time for a possible fix to the problem but sadly that time has disappeared... Just for clarification, I‘m the person outside that circle and I have total understanding of that imperative fact... It’s very sad but for everyone there is a cut off point, mine has been reached which to be absolutely honest with you totally goes against my grain, because I know in my innermost soul I have never, ever given up on anything or anybody... I never have and I never want to again... In this instance, I know the human being I refer to will wholeheartedly agree with me.

It’s so good we all have the capacity to listen... I can not over empathise enough about this vital skill. Listening is so important, it enables us all to offer help... provide support... empower individuals and learn what matters most.

Whatever happens in ones own world I know... we can be sure, lifes experiences help us and for me this week I have found living my life has been extremely beautiful... I am a lucky lady to have the life I own and in owning this life I decided earlier this year I wanted to share it most unreservedly... The reason is this... if my experiences and my words help just one person in this universe, then I’m keeping my promise of making a difference. I aim to be that difference... One of my little bugbears in life is that some people are suspicious, totally disbelieving of someone who doesn’t have an agenda or an ulterior motive... If you are one of those people then I would question where you yourself are coming from. Come closer my little doubting Thomas while I gently whisper in your ear... "I don’t want anything from anybody except of course to be able to share my thoughts and ideas with you"

Before I forget, I'm pleased to announce... I have the chance of being published in a wonderful book all about what books mean to us and why. Here's the link... go on it's worth a wee look!

Thank you for stopping by it’s been a pleasure.... I hope to fly by soon with more words on thoughts...
Mwah xxxx

Saturday, 21 November 2009

Waiting.. Waiting.. Waiting..

This week has been endless... its been long and lonely... On a positive note, it's allowed me the gift of utter rest and singular solitude.

To be completely alone with my own thoughts has proven to be a blessing, although in all honesty at the time I felt it a curse... I was poorly, bedridden and not quite feeling myself... It all started with tremendous all over aches & pains.

My immediate thought because of the strength of this discomfort was that I had contracted swine flu like unfortunately so many of my friends.... looking at the symptoms, indeed I did display many of them and I felt like I had flu. The missing link for me was my nose wasn’t running. I had all the other symptoms.... Unusual tiredness, headache, sore throat, cough, loss of appetite, aching muscles and although I was not sick I felt sick... I was in bed until Wednesday where I started to feel better but the headache & unusual tiredness took its time in going... During this time I slept and dreamt a lot. I went through a phase of missing people who are no longer on our planet and at one point I started to feel very sorry for myself. I’m glad to say this was short lived; I find myself very fortunate in having the best partner, family and friends in the universe.

At first I felt like I had lost a week from my life, but no... That’s not true, I just went through an allocated space of time and I needed to re-charge my batteries. Your body you know, is the best device to tell you when it’s time to slow down; it drags you back forcing you to gather your resources so that you are safely allowed to heal.

During my solitude and whilst I had the luxury of those thoughts, I tried methodically to get all those rambling ideas and thoughts to calm, at the same time making an invisible list in an attempt at getting myself organised for when I became well again.

Also during my week out of synch, I did not write or even make any notes. A few times I thought about it but the lethargy was so awful I just couldn’t. I am pleased to report my appetite is back, my thoughts are again on the run and my head is no longer hurting. My dream is back on track and after today it’s time to start on module 2 of my writing course... I’m so glad I have recuperated because unfortunately my gorgeous man was sent home from work yesterday (Fri) and if you knew him you would know that just doesn’t happen... So now I am better, it’s thankfully just in time to take extra special care of him.... If any of his lovely colleagues are reading this, I want to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for taking care of him... you will never know how much it’s meant.

I will be fly back soon hopefully with something wonderful to share with you. Mwah xxxx 

Saturday, 14 November 2009

One thought this week......

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On seeing the above picture I instantly fell in love with the whole concept of explaining what time meant to me. Come on, you know the drill... pull that chair up and let’s begin...

A Good Samaritan did something very special for me this week..... It absolutely bowled me over to discover that somebody had taken the time to have old cine films transferred on to DVD and then kindly made a gift of them to me... I simply can not tell you how much that gesture meant. Being a child brought up in care meant my siblings and I had very few photos, so it’s always been particularly sad that my treasures from so long ago amounted to a few damaged prints. I settled myself down to watch the DVD and I warned my family I was feeling emotional... I had never seen many pictures of myself as a child, never mind moving pictures.

The DVD started its chronicle and with every moving cine projection there was music, which to be honest didn’t help my inner turmoil of emotions... eventually we got to a bit where I was on the screen with my beautiful siblings... they were so tiny in comparison to me... but wow, I couldn't take my eyes off myself. It was then I felt the first sting of hot tears as they pushed up defiantly against my saucer shaped eyes... I quickly wiped them away, eager to see the next bit. I was not disappointed. The child on the screen, was gorgeous she was funny, happy and trying with all that she possessed to make everyone around her happy... which was strange to me as quite often in the darkness I felt I was a quiet child who didn't smile's made me realise I did and the reasons for that are so very obvious to me now.

I looked over to my daughter who was also enjoying the film just as much as me and who keenly shares my passion for memories and making them as good as you can... she was excited and smiling from ear to ear as I was... I’m sure for her the high point of the film was an unexpected flash of film from when her father and I got married... before her stood her parents after the ceremony smiling with other family members, some sadly long gone... I pointed out to her I was two years younger then she is now and the look of wonder on her face was something I will remember forever.

We all thoroughly enjoyed the film; it’s a treasure I will always take care of. Surprisingly I found it opened old wounds, made me re-live some long forgotten experiences in my life... it also made me realise we don’t ever forget the bad things that happen to us we just banish them to the furthest regions of our minds, simply hoping they will never dare to resurface... I am extremely surprised at the effect it had on me... You'd think with age, would come an acceptance but for me it obviously hasn't. In my reflective time, I knew the main effect of watching the DVD was when I looked at the little girl in the film, I could not help wondering why she ended up spending most of her life in care, she would have made somebody a beautiful daughter because I knew more clearly then anyone, despite her earlier trauma she was balanced, her priorities were intact... she knew how to be open, loving and giving. I strongly felt deep to my inner most core... that it's a down and out monstrous crime she was not even given the chance. I have often heard in instances like this, it's important to reach out and virtually hug the child... so I did, all I can tell you is this... the tears came faster as the little girl hugged me back....

Back soon with my wings wide open..... Mwah :)

Saturday, 7 November 2009

Stuck in a bottle with my thoughts ......

That’s me in the bottle. I know it’s a sad sight but I have the distinct feeling I will be there for a while.... I‘m sorry to report this week that I'm running on pure pressure...

So many things have happened so many things are about to happen... I admit I don’t like change, but I’m also realistic enough to know progression demands it... At work changes are taking place and personally I’m feeling a little out of control in terms of not feeling part of those changes... meaning despite being warmly consulted... the knowledge hurts knowing, it wouldn’t have mattered if I did or didn’t agree.... I feel so many demands being made of me yet in the background on a higher plain I'm being re-categorised, re-evaluated as my role is being re-defined with me and a number of others having to fight for something that over the year’s I have worked hard for..... I feel in limbo as I’m possibly about to be demoted, yet there is an expectation of me to give the same enthusiasm and passion to the role... personally I’m finding this difficult because without feeling any recognition for my attempts at support on the whole it’s ultimately making me feel uneasy and confused.... or is it the change and uncertainty doing that to me? ... On reflection not sure whether part of this is me feeling unsettled with the indecision or re-evaluation. Another part of me is wondering whether there’s a possibility of going into something else.... might be worth it, to do other stuff that I don’t get time to do.... Ahhhh well my friend I just wanted to off load and show why there has been none of my precious writing for the last 7 days... It ludicrous but even today I have to work on something I didn’t get time to do in the confines of my office..... However, I was determined to off load these muddled thoughts, hopefully going on to my next piece of work free from tension....

You’ll be pleased to know regardless of today’s events I will not be working tomorrow...I have made arrangements to take my family out to dinner and a film... so completely looking forward to that. Before I close just wanted to share with you I did something yesterday that’s even shocked me.... I had 10inches cut off my hair... it’s not short but it’s loads shorter then it was. I’m sure I will get use to it.

Ohhhh... One more thing, I was delighted this morning whilst researching an issue on Google earlier I came across my Blog ‘AngelJane’s World’ being described as “Most beautiful and most handsome in the world Blogs”..... Made me feel quite like a celebrity... (The link for confirmation! The link needs to be copied and pasted into your browser if you want to look.... not sure why I couldn't just copy the link) .....

I will fly back soon with thoughts and news... Hope to continue along with the beauty theme. You all take care. Hugs from Angel xxx